Saturday, November 12, 2005
Killer Crickets from Outer Space
There, guarding the toilet, is a cricket. And not just any cricket. It is the same mole cricket that has been stalking me and then dodging me once I go for help for the last two weeks. It jumped once for good measure, just to show me its might, its “shock and awe”.
I screamed again.
You see, I am terrified of crickets. It is a completely irrational fear. People tell me so all the time; their rationale is that since they don’t bite, they are nothing to be afraid of. But they jump, people! They JUMP! They jump on you, on walls, anything. If you even try to catch it, it will jump. And their tiny little brains don’t tell them which way to go, so they jump away from you or on to you, there is just no predicting their behavior, and that, my friends, is why they are Terrifying.
I am sure that if I ever went in to psychotherapy and were hypnotized, I would reveal some deep, hidden experience with crickets. But without spending thousands on an analyst, I am clueless about my phobia. All I know is….have you guys ever seen a mole cricket? They are much, much scarier than your regular cricket. For one thing, they don’t make that cricket noise so you don’t know one’s there til you’re right on top of him. And for another thing, they are about twice to three times bigger. Don’t listen to what Rick may tell you….they really are that big.
Speaking of Rick, he usually would have come to my rescue by now, but he’s sleeping with earplugs in because he knew I would be making soap. (It's a loud process.) So it’s just me and the killer cricket. I tried throwing some small items at him to get him to move, and when that didn’t work, I tried turning the light off and leaving for awhile. So far, nothing. He is between me and the toilet and did I mention I drank 20 OUNCES of coke?
Hey, writing that just made me think about how useful towels can be. According to Douglas Adams, you should carry one with you at all times. I think I’ll throw a towel over the cricket and see what happens. I have no idea, because you can’t predict cricket behavior.
Wish me luck!
But when I came back to my computer...I kid you not, a moth flew out from under my computer and I screamed AGAIN!
My house, the insect haven.